CHRISTMAS

It would explain a great deal about Earth if we were to learn of one of its oddest holidays. Christmas is a tough subject to research on Earth, purely because no one on Earth really knows what the h*%l the holiday was really even about. The origin for the holiday was all about some small child born in the most horrid conditions and in the future would become a wise man who said that maybe it would be just swell to be nice to everybody for a change (though it is important to note that shortly after he was nailed to a “t” made out of wood). Even after all of this worship and belief, from what researchers discovered it was oddly concluded that the baby’s date of birth wasn’t even on the same day that it is celebrated (December 25, a really wretched, cold time of the year, don’t you think?). More peculiar is the fact that these celebrators after a period of timed almost seemed to drop this, “Birth of Man Who Though Died a Long, Slow, Excruciatingly Painful Death While We Watched and Did Nothing Who Will Hopefully Forgive Us Sometime In the Future and Grant Us All Eternal Life,” idea. In his place came a fat, red-suited slave owner who went around delivering free presents to children. At first our researchers assumed he was a world-wide terrorist meant to horrify and molest children, but we were startled to discover that he was the symbol for gift-giving and world peace through out Earth. Curious. And now while the belief is even deminishing in this “Santa Claus” it would appear that Earthlings don’t have faith in well………. Anything! While interviewing some Earthlings though, we did gain some knowledge on exactly why Earthlings put up with all of this. Simply put by one was, “You get to see your home again, and your family. It’s the one time of the year where the whole world can join a as one. It really is magical.” (Though it is important to note that precisely 49 seconds later this harmless man was trampled to near-death by a hoard of angry shoppers attempting to get the last Tickle Me Elmo [a very good gift, by the way) So the overall research on this holiday can conclude that this holiday may be one of the most sensible illogical things the Earthlings celebrate all year. And were glad as @#$% we don’t celebrate it.

Introduction to the Guide

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Earth is a wholly remarkable book. Similar to its galactic counter-part, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, both are unbelievably well selling. After the immediate success of the HHGttG, and after the sad, but profitable destruction of Earth, one question was asked. “What exactly is Earth? Why are these people so moronic?” And the ultimate question, “What’s the fuss over those stupid digital watches?” So the HHGttG headquarters sent over it’s finest field researchers order to figure out, “Just who are these Earthlings, anyway?” For those who never read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, (whoever those people may be) here is a quick catch-up. The HHGttG is a wholly remarkable book. It is more best-selling than Survival to a Fake Ghetto Society, How to Succeed in Business While Attempting to Assassinate Your Boss, and even better than Klinto Keaten’s wildly renowned novel, The Pride, Prejudice, and a Small Lump of Yellow Putty Found Under My Mistress’ Armpit. Even though The Encyclopedia Galactica gives money to several renowned and respected charities, The HHGttG is of course better than The Encyclopedia Galactica for several reasons. One, it is slightly cheaper, and secondly the HHGttG and the HHGttE have the words, “Don’t Panic” inscribed on the back cover in large, friendly letters. So while the new guide may take a while to compile, here is the first Universal copy of, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Earth. The best way to start off this guide is to describe Earth in great detail.

EARTH:

Mostly Harmless